I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
