I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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