i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
