ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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