The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
