I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
