All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
