Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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