did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
