Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
