Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
