Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
ok first of all what the fuck
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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