shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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