Kiss
Puke
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
