Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
