Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
