I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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