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I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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