she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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