Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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