Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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