Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
