he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
