she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
