smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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