I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
