She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
