i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
