When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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