I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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