I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
