Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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