I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
