I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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