Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
