i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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