Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
