I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It's rum buckets o'clock
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
