I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
