I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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