Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
