i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
