turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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