In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
