i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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