you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
