He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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