a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
