Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
