Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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