someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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