I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
