Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
