We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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