I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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