I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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