ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize