Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
